Being a Lolita already has its own social stigma but being a male Lolita is a whole other story. Early in life I was more interested in the fashion freedom that women had. The thought of wearing trousers and shirts left me wanting more options as far as fashion went. When I was maybe about nine or ten years old I visited Japan for the first time to visit family and was introduced to the world of visual kei. After discovering that the people in music videos were in fact male,my mind was blown. I thought to myself that this was something I could possibly get into. Time passed and I became more and more interested in these men and the aesthetic image that they portray. It is through this love for visual kei that lead me into lolita fashion.
The first brand that I became interested in was Baby,The Stars Shine Bright. The detail they put into their pieces made me think of the fairy tale princesses I had read about in my childhood. I would dream of wearing them but would never tell anyone because I didn't want people to think differently of me. In high school, I met my first lolita friend who was much to my surprise a male as well. I noticed one day that he had a picture of Mana on his binder and from there our friendship grew. We would spend a lot of time talking about visual kei, lolita fashion and all the different brands that where creating interesting new things.
I began to feel different in high school. I was struggling with the idea of gender identity and began to harm myself because I was unable to deal with the idea of who I am and who society wants me to be.The thought of myself as something less than a human being. I became more withdrawn and rather bitter on the inside but put on a mask to hide my unhappiness. In my darkest moments, I thought no matter what anyone said they truly didn't understand me. One day something caught my attention. I was talking with one of my friends and he had expressed an interest in drag. I began talking with him about it and he felt the pain that I had inside and said that he wanted to introduce me to someone. I had no idea what to expect but I agreed.
The day had arrived and I followed him to his grandmother house and met a charming woman. After he told her about my feelings, she had opened up telling me that she was a transgender female. I always knew that in Hawaii there was a large transgender community but I never thought I would meet someone like her. With a new vision of the world around I decided that I would give lolita a shot.
I was heading back to Japan in the summer so I decided that I would make it a priority to purchase a dress. I had made a plan with one of my most trusted relatives to visit a lolita shoppe and purchase a nice dress. We ended up visiting Baby and I walked out of the store with a karami JSK. My heart was pounding the entire trip home. It felt as if the lolita in my mind had been set free. I knew from that moment there was no going back.